Long Goodbye: Volume one

So, I've got this problem. Every two days or so, when I check my email, in the hopes that I may receive a message bearing some relevance and/or urgency in regards to my life, family, etc., I am greeted by a ranting, capitol-letter-subject psychomessage from Jerry Fallwell. I don't know how this guy got my e-mail, or why he has given it to every Christian internet community mailing list in existence (including, but not limited to, "Meet Christian Singles," "Singles with Christian Values," "Christian Singles with Valuables," and "Catfancy.")

And I'm not entirely certain I'm supposed to know why.

My last dose of E-ligthening from the conservative Christian right's self elected direct-link-to-God-via-CB-radio operator bore the subject line "LIBERALS TRYING HARDER THAN EVER TO DESTROY CHRISTIANITY."

Friend's he's on to us.


If want to achieve our goal of deicide by our November deadline we must move fast.

You will all be sent todays launch codes and Vigilance Kit via the new KFC snacker, to be purchased at Battlefield KFC in Manassas.

Included in the kit will be cyanide pills (2) Paul Reiser's bestseller "Couplehood" (1) my latest Boobah Fanfiction manuscript(s) (1 unless you've previously requested the full volume) O.B. applicator (Family Size Box) and finally, a collection of Darkthrone albums (3).

You all know what must be done.